valentines day.

So I originally had plans to spend my valentines day with someone I could cuddle up to, someone who could feed into my want for affection and attention. All though, those plans changed awfully quick when I realized the only person who I had genuinely wanted those intents from was paying mind to another relation. I can't say I was bothered, afterall; I told him things would be easier if he just went for someone else and left me with no more hope to salvage from. It's not as if anything was going to come from the little pieces of hope I've gathered-- might aswell throw them out the window. However, I can't say I wasn't bothered either.

For the days this information has come to my gathering, that he had taken up on what my mind had dished out for him rather than what my heart was crying out for (to be with another compared to being with me), I had shut down completely. No sleep, none what-so-ever, no in-depth thought, no want. It's as if I was put back to stage one of a break up, left in a feeling of anxiety with no real motive. I felt this kind of discrete depression and disconnection before... and honestly, at this point, it just struck on my nerve. I'm tired of feeling the same emotions over different ridiculous scenarios. A mistake was made when creating our primitive mind-- it's complex enough to distort general want to feel comfort into something so much more, but the conclusions it comes to, the emotions we are left with after the fact, they are repetitive and dull. I got BORED.

I popped every pill in my cabinet that could relieve pain, looking for effects I can surface. My face became warm again, there was a feeling of cinderblocks on my pupils, my hands shook, my veins popped like the view of a ripe fruit, my throat was dry and my stomach felt as if it were about to rip through my muscle flesh and skin and scream...... I needed curly fries. I wound up at the saddle brook diner at 1:30 in the morning? This is all besides my point.

I wanted to avoid popping a pill for a head ache to receive another head ache. I wanted to avoid popping a pill to fill the empty place in the center of my stomach, to have me feel like I was about to puke whatever was left in that silly stomach. So I decided I needed a better method to distract myself from this overbearing and uncreative emotion. I told Paul about the situations I was put in recently... Having someone I care deeply about think I "hate" him and moving on without a second thought, and having someone I had growing feelings for completely disown me after a spark of getting further from where we stood, and most importantly... spending valentines day knowing that all my efforts brought me to loneliness and discontent.

We decided to get away, took a trip to Philly for Valentines day, and honestly... I completely forgot it was valentines day. And what would it matter if I did remember the symbolism of the day? Would I have really wanted someone to feel obligated to show me affections through a date on my calendar? Forget that. I had my Philly Cheese steak, Indeed I did! I had the time of my life seeing all new faces, feeling new, feeling refreshed... Even if the city didn't smell so new and refreshed. None-the-less, nothing could keep me from feeling over-powered by the rush of a spontaneous trip to a new city.

Remind me to never spend another valentines day with a lover;
take me somewhere, anywhere.
I want to see everything, I want to feel every rush,
except the rush of a heartbeat--that rush got stale long ago.

dream faces.

So I had a dream, whilst passing out on my couch after school, of a man I never have met before. Atleast, I don't believe I have met him; however, I must have atleast saw his face once before. It has been said that our minds are only strong enough to be capable of bringing things we've seen before up in our dreams. Our subconscious mind does not have the ability to create a face. Therefore, faces of people in our dreams (even if not recognized in said dream) in all actuality, belong to someone... someone we have witnessed.

In this dream, the man was my boyfriend. (Lately I've been lonely, so I suppose this would make sense.) He was attractive, but an odd kind of attractive I would have never picked up on unless infatuated with him, as I was in the dream. I did not and could not recognize him upon waking up, but in the dream I was strangely attached to him. He went to college, somewhere distant but not too distant, and I was upset because we had some sort of plans. The dream was vague and portrayed a false reality, as they usually do, so it had some how multiplied minutes and jumped to him coming in the early night and setting up some picnic-like scene at the park to make it up to me for a missed out date. This probably sounds disgustingly cliche, but it really was quite the sight, romantic in the LEAST. I woke up feeling lonelier than before, and I wondered...

I wondered if the faces of the people in our dreams are faces of people we were supposed to meet. I don't know about you readers, but there are certain people I see in a crowd and wonder about. I don't necessarily find them appealing, they don't always look friendly, but for whatever reason they are quickly observed and questions are asked within the boundaries of my mind. When I have dreams such as these (of a stranger that my mind some how convinced me I had some deep connection with) it makes me consider that these may be the faces of people I once rudely interrogated in my thoughts.

Sitting in my mom's car, waiting for her to hurry and get some things from the super market, I may glance at a man coming out of his car and wonder what he's thinking or feeling, give him a less-than-vague background story, assume certain things about him... but only for that moment and that moment only. None-the-less, that moment-- even though forgotten the the next hour, maybe only a few moments after-- some how it is still imprinted and forever saved in the back of my mind, a part of my mind that I won't be able to access.... except in dreams. Any face I've ever wondered about, for a fraction of a fraction of a second even, can show up in my dreams... Why is that?

Is there some significance to the people these faces belong to?
Maybe they were someone who could have been part of my life
but because my mind had only recognized their presence for such a short extent
I missed out on this unknown chance to change destiny.


Maybe not, but it's something to think about, right?? =]